Did you hear that? Water will melt her!

As said by FIYERO, " People are so empty-headed, they'll believe anything!" In light of the recent highlights in the second Sandy tragedy in the recent months, I'm writing my next note in this series. This one? What is Mental Health. What is Behavioral Health. Because, frankly, we try to treat behavioral as mental and mental as Wicked, wicked witchcraft. 

I'd like to begin this one by explaining a simple process. The ABC's of Behavioral Therapy. 

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As a culture, something is not deemed a 'problem' until we see some action or result of an action that becomes and issue to everyone else. It's a natural process. After all, society can only deal with "the devil they know." But you see, to each action, we have the factors that have led to it (the antecedants A), the actions (i.e. Behaviors), and preceeding it, we have the consequences C). It's an easy enough idea, right? ABC's are what leads to the circle of life. The atecedants may or may not be in our control. 

Now the tricky part of our ABC's is identifying the RIGHT behavior that's an issue. You see, telling the child to do a chore is ALSO a behavior. Probably prompted by the mother seeing a mess. That may have been prompted by a rough day at work making her testy, which may have been prompted by her boss spilling coffee on himself in the morning!

But the target behavior is the one that mom's working on. The one that mom considers the "problem." She cannot control or work on her boss being a klutz, as much as she'd like to the consequences may result in mommy not being able to feed the kid, so instead, she'll target the complaining, right? Got it? Now onto what I wanted to accomplish in this lesson.

Behavioral Health 

Simply, when the B patterns  are ABNORMAL to the point where the C causes a DEFICIT the individual's livelihood. Not yours, not mine. To theirs! And yes, if they harm someone else, their is still a consequence directed to them, but if we identify the consequentialproblem as externally directed, well that's a slippery slope to prejudice, no?

Dangerous, No?

 These B's can be dangerous. To themselves, to others, etc. But they don't have to be. Think of a kid who sits on a floor lining cars for hours on end. Or needs that record to listen to at night. The moment you stop them before they're ready they scream or throw things around the room, breaking their favorite toys.

What is the target B? Is it the action of lining the cars or listen to music at night that's the problem? I have a white noise machine and my sister color cooridnates her crayons. Being 'odd' does not make a behavioral health problem. It's the screaming when mom says 'it's time to stop' and not having the coping skills and techniques to help the child deal with the A in a better way.

There are two ways to deal with this:

1) Identify the A. Help the child deal with THAT stressor, or antecedant. Maybe they're listen to the music to avoid hearing mommy yell about the klutzy boss ;-) 

2) Work on the B. Give the child COPING SKILLS that will demonstrate a betterConsequence to their action.

Really, if you try to focus on the C, it rarely works unless it's positively given. And then, the child only does good for extrinsic motivations. Give them an INTERNAL one. K?

MENTAL HEALTH

Mental health is a completely different system and network of tools. It is not about the behaviors any more. Sure, we identify it based on the consequences of behaviors the client gives up. But it's not the Behaviors you really treat in mental health. Because guess what, this is about the A! And an A that we cannot control, force, or modify at that.

Mental health is a system of chemical deficits, emotional onslaughts, etc. And we can't see thes before they happen. We can't change these without destroying regions of the brain. Yes, drug pushers talk about fixing the chemical antecedants that lead to mental health disorders. And it's a fantastical process that CAN do wonders. But, that is not all that will ever help. Your body adjusts and modifies it's chemistry over the years.  So how can we help them?  Remember how I said to deal with the antecedants in the last section? Well guess what???

COPING SKILLS. Yes, I said the evil words. Teach a person to identify and accept a problem that is OUT OF THEIR HANDS and NOT THEIR FAULT! Then, teach them how to COPE wtih stress. Cuz believe it or not, they're under a lot, consistently. And it seems hopeless to move beyond it. 

Then while you teach them how to cope with their illness (and yes, it's an illness as surely as getting cancer), do what you do with any victim of an illness, treat them as though they're human. Train them to use their bodies as they used to, or teach them skills where they'll feel useful. Capable. 

Treat them HOLISTICALLY.

All the world's a stage....

Well, in continuation of my recent inspiration. Here's some more advice, warranted or unwarranted, for helping your friends in a rough patch. This one is about changes. I've heard over the years several people state "my brain just doesn't work this way, you bring me a problem, and  I  NEED to fix it." Well, let's dscuss how you actually ARE fixing it, and you can make the informed decision if you'll be able to help or not. Shall we?

So you have a friend who has a problem. Maybe they're deciding to quit smoking, alcohol, or maybe there's an abuse background. Fact is, there's a problem, and it needs to be fixed. Then all of a sudden you hear those magic words "I trust you" or "I need help." And as the amazing friend you are, you're immediate response probably is to jump in with the magic wand and hum a little tune, right? Sorry, it doesn't work this way. You see, as a FRIEND your support role is different than the THERAPIST. 

A Therapist, very simply will be working on creating the goal, shaping the goal, and planning the methods to get there. They'll be the one's to monitor the progress and make certain that your dear one is maintaining the progress until they're stable and capable of handling their problems with the capable support network they have.

Frankly, in the grand scheme of things, they're work can be simpler (not easier folks, simpler). They don't need to be emotional invested, and they just need to organize a workable system. They're working mainly in thecontemplation or action stages of change. All this simply means is, before they go to the shrink, your friend hasn't considered changing, or they haven't come up with a plan despite considering it. The therapist knows, that deep down inside, the client must want to change something (or mandated of course- which still has some component of agreement involved), or they wouldn't be in their office to begin with! Now, they also know that the client might not beready to take action.

But as the friend? You're role is a to step in BEFORE action is taken, to get them to take those first few steps. You are the one "they trust" and "they turn to" to prattle on and on about their problems. Well, perhaps they're in precontemplation, perhaps they don't want to change. And perhaps, they just want a shoulder to lean on. While you, on the otherhand, see the problem. And you know they have one- desperately wanting to shake them into action. Wait, is that only me?

Anyways.. How can you do so? That's the golden secret. People rarely jump fromprecontemplation to action. And if they do, it's short lived because the momentum doesn't last forever.  So how do you do it? Communication is the first step. You see, the ice needs to be broken before the the freezing water is apparent. Ask questions. "Did you just want a shoulder to lean on?" or after their story "would you like some advice" or introduce your own support story! 

What your goal should be is to help get your friend prepared to take action. Most people wil reach out to you instead once they make it past the contemplation stage, but before then... they don't know what they don't know. So how can they ask for it? They need you there to help break the ice. Many people are able to deal with changes, adapt, mold, and understand that component of the psyche. The amount of self-help guides, or planners, organizers, etc. And yes, if you are fantastic at this, then you're a perfect support to join in on the planning and lend a hand. Be part therapist if that's where they're at and what you need.

But the steps before that? Well, those are the most frustrating for both sides.  If you think you'll be able to deal with the flipflopping, the headaches, and the strains/testing the waters, then you're one of the strongest, invested, and necessary support in that friend's life. Don't take it for granted. And realize how special you are. 

Purple Daisies are Pretty...

Recently, I've been adding some statuses and updates related to mental health (go figure), and how to help friends. But, I really wanted to add this component in, and figured I wouldn't clog the newsfeeds with it. You see, as I research all this information about mental health symptoms and supports, I noticed how often we forget the other component... what WE'RE doing to our support network in the process of healing.

We all have "issues" but those of us who are the awesome-est of friends now "have friends who have issues." And, as outstanding as a friend you might be, YOU need to realize something...

You do not DESERVE to be a mental health whipping boy.  

You see, every person who has a mental health problem has symptoms. And those symptoms WILL BE unleashed on the ones they love the most. Until the person has recovered to the point where they can stop it at the antecedant (triggers, precursors) and not the behavioral outburst. And, even then, there will probably be flair ups. It's the nature of the beast unfortunately. It can be season induced, trigger induced, sleep-dep induced, food induced, the list goes on and on... and as much as you are the sounding board and the support they need, don't let them use you as the emotional abuse, neglect, or possibly even a physical outlet for their frustrations. It's a terrifying cycle that will only make matters worse, and can actually trigger YOU instead!

So, how do you do this without being the cold-hearted bastard and cut the friend out? Simple really, it's all about communication. On a fundamental level. Saying YOUR needs. And making yourself known as a person.

1. Let them know when it's too much. COMMUNICATE IT!

    If you're busy, you need a break, you need them to be YOUR sounding board. State it. Ask them. Unless they're cruel, unfeeling jerks as well as having mental health/coping problems (which could very well be true - and then you really need to evaluate a few other things), they'll understand and want to be there for you.

2. When they're being irrational and pushing the limits into just being hurtful, COMMUNICATE IT!

     This is the "purple daisies are pretty" phenomenon. When you say something harmless, witty, or a concern and they freak out at you - and you can't figure it out. Kidding, somethimes neither can they!

During an outburst, your friend rarely realizes how far off the deep end they've gone.. and even when they return they might not realize the damages they caused. Spell it out for them. Yes, it's elementary dear watson. But if they see your pain, and they can't understand or don't know how to heal it, it will hurt both of you and the friendship.

---Though there is an off shoot of this. If you are INTENTIONALY trying to provoke them, cuz you enjoy their reactions. Then you DO deserve what you're gonna get. Just sayin' ;-)

3. Establish Boundaries 

    In every relationship, you need boundaries. You need to know what you're okay with. How often they can talk to you, type of activities you do, etc. Such as a "monthly catch up hangout." The last thing you need, is your "best friend" calling you every day for a therapy session, or having a phone conversation with family where you say "hey, how are you doing" then an hour passes (and they're still talk to you), but you realize they never asked you about yourself!

In most friendships, these boundaries go unstated, but as you get closer to any friend, they need to be spoken and agreed upon. Some friendships are pure "vent" then "fluff" some are "let's go to the bar then go home and beat sh*"

And these boundaries will change. That's the nature of any relationship, but be okay with having them established to begin with. 

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Yes, what they're doing is not personal. And never was meant to be. (Well, atleast one hopes). They cycle, they get over it, and they're the awesome person you know, love & respect. Maybe after going through the process, you'll both end up thick as thieves. But while you help & support them. Make sure they help & support you back. That's what friendship is.