Well, in continuation of my recent inspiration. Here's some more advice, warranted or unwarranted, for helping your friends in a rough patch. This one is about changes. I've heard over the years several people state "my brain just doesn't work this way, you bring me a problem, and I NEED to fix it." Well, let's dscuss how you actually ARE fixing it, and you can make the informed decision if you'll be able to help or not. Shall we?
So you have a friend who has a problem. Maybe they're deciding to quit smoking, alcohol, or maybe there's an abuse background. Fact is, there's a problem, and it needs to be fixed. Then all of a sudden you hear those magic words "I trust you" or "I need help." And as the amazing friend you are, you're immediate response probably is to jump in with the magic wand and hum a little tune, right? Sorry, it doesn't work this way. You see, as a FRIEND your support role is different than the THERAPIST.
A Therapist, very simply will be working on creating the goal, shaping the goal, and planning the methods to get there. They'll be the one's to monitor the progress and make certain that your dear one is maintaining the progress until they're stable and capable of handling their problems with the capable support network they have.
Frankly, in the grand scheme of things, they're work can be simpler (not easier folks, simpler). They don't need to be emotional invested, and they just need to organize a workable system. They're working mainly in thecontemplation or action stages of change. All this simply means is, before they go to the shrink, your friend hasn't considered changing, or they haven't come up with a plan despite considering it. The therapist knows, that deep down inside, the client must want to change something (or mandated of course- which still has some component of agreement involved), or they wouldn't be in their office to begin with! Now, they also know that the client might not beready to take action.
But as the friend? You're role is a to step in BEFORE action is taken, to get them to take those first few steps. You are the one "they trust" and "they turn to" to prattle on and on about their problems. Well, perhaps they're in precontemplation, perhaps they don't want to change. And perhaps, they just want a shoulder to lean on. While you, on the otherhand, see the problem. And you know they have one- desperately wanting to shake them into action. Wait, is that only me?
Anyways.. How can you do so? That's the golden secret. People rarely jump fromprecontemplation to action. And if they do, it's short lived because the momentum doesn't last forever. So how do you do it? Communication is the first step. You see, the ice needs to be broken before the the freezing water is apparent. Ask questions. "Did you just want a shoulder to lean on?" or after their story "would you like some advice" or introduce your own support story!
What your goal should be is to help get your friend prepared to take action. Most people wil reach out to you instead once they make it past the contemplation stage, but before then... they don't know what they don't know. So how can they ask for it? They need you there to help break the ice. Many people are able to deal with changes, adapt, mold, and understand that component of the psyche. The amount of self-help guides, or planners, organizers, etc. And yes, if you are fantastic at this, then you're a perfect support to join in on the planning and lend a hand. Be part therapist if that's where they're at and what you need.
But the steps before that? Well, those are the most frustrating for both sides. If you think you'll be able to deal with the flipflopping, the headaches, and the strains/testing the waters, then you're one of the strongest, invested, and necessary support in that friend's life. Don't take it for granted. And realize how special you are.
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