Recently, I've been adding some statuses and updates related to mental health (go figure), and how to help friends. But, I really wanted to add this component in, and figured I wouldn't clog the newsfeeds with it. You see, as I research all this information about mental health symptoms and supports, I noticed how often we forget the other component... what WE'RE doing to our support network in the process of healing.
We all have "issues" but those of us who are the awesome-est of friends now "have friends who have issues." And, as outstanding as a friend you might be, YOU need to realize something...
You do not DESERVE to be a mental health whipping boy.
You see, every person who has a mental health problem has symptoms. And those symptoms WILL BE unleashed on the ones they love the most. Until the person has recovered to the point where they can stop it at the antecedant (triggers, precursors) and not the behavioral outburst. And, even then, there will probably be flair ups. It's the nature of the beast unfortunately. It can be season induced, trigger induced, sleep-dep induced, food induced, the list goes on and on... and as much as you are the sounding board and the support they need, don't let them use you as the emotional abuse, neglect, or possibly even a physical outlet for their frustrations. It's a terrifying cycle that will only make matters worse, and can actually trigger YOU instead!
So, how do you do this without being the cold-hearted bastard and cut the friend out? Simple really, it's all about communication. On a fundamental level. Saying YOUR needs. And making yourself known as a person.
1. Let them know when it's too much. COMMUNICATE IT!
If you're busy, you need a break, you need them to be YOUR sounding board. State it. Ask them. Unless they're cruel, unfeeling jerks as well as having mental health/coping problems (which could very well be true - and then you really need to evaluate a few other things), they'll understand and want to be there for you.
2. When they're being irrational and pushing the limits into just being hurtful, COMMUNICATE IT!
This is the "purple daisies are pretty" phenomenon. When you say something harmless, witty, or a concern and they freak out at you - and you can't figure it out. Kidding, somethimes neither can they!
During an outburst, your friend rarely realizes how far off the deep end they've gone.. and even when they return they might not realize the damages they caused. Spell it out for them. Yes, it's elementary dear watson. But if they see your pain, and they can't understand or don't know how to heal it, it will hurt both of you and the friendship.
---Though there is an off shoot of this. If you are INTENTIONALY trying to provoke them, cuz you enjoy their reactions. Then you DO deserve what you're gonna get. Just sayin' ;-)
3. Establish Boundaries
In every relationship, you need boundaries. You need to know what you're okay with. How often they can talk to you, type of activities you do, etc. Such as a "monthly catch up hangout." The last thing you need, is your "best friend" calling you every day for a therapy session, or having a phone conversation with family where you say "hey, how are you doing" then an hour passes (and they're still talk to you), but you realize they never asked you about yourself!
In most friendships, these boundaries go unstated, but as you get closer to any friend, they need to be spoken and agreed upon. Some friendships are pure "vent" then "fluff" some are "let's go to the bar then go home and beat sh*"
And these boundaries will change. That's the nature of any relationship, but be okay with having them established to begin with.
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Yes, what they're doing is not personal. And never was meant to be. (Well, atleast one hopes). They cycle, they get over it, and they're the awesome person you know, love & respect. Maybe after going through the process, you'll both end up thick as thieves. But while you help & support them. Make sure they help & support you back. That's what friendship is.
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